Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Five Years and Counting

‘Motherhood is a blessing for a woman. Motherhood completes a woman.’

Well there’s no denying with what has been said and being said justifying the arguments about motherhood. Motherhood is indeed a blessing for a woman. But one has to live it to believe it. And I know it though I cannot back it up with substantial proof that most of the arguments about motherhood have been said by ‘Men’ and not ‘Women’! Such is the irony…

Anyway, I was granted this blessing five years ago and indeed I consider myself lucky. It was a cold January morning when it came into my life. I became a ‘Mommy’ on this day, 6th January 2010. Okay, now I have to be honest. Though I knew that I was a mommy, but the truth is stranger than fiction. It took me considerable amount of time to let the truth sink in. That my life is no more the way it was had a reality check when I was jerked out of my ‘deep sleep’ the moment the little hands moved. No matter how hard I tried to just ignore the little snores beside me and go back to my ‘deep sleep’, my mind was like giving testimony to the real world. And then there were the numerous expressions on the little innocent face which I kept looking at for hours like a bovine.

Time was an illusion for me in the initial days. The days turned into nights and nights into sleepless nights. My thoughts and life were encircled around a little life that I held. Every day was an enriching new experience to endure. The vomits, the allergies, the smiles, the cries, the dadas, the nanas, the crawls, the scared to walk. Everything which is a fond memory now unlike the time I had to undergo the reality check. And there you were a fine one year old. A cry baby to a happy toddler. Your smiles made our days. Just to see you walk all over the house with my slippers on was a moment to die for. The way your eyes lighted up when I entered the room and your hands slowly rising up for an act of endurance from the only person you knew even before you came to this world is a feeling beyond words. I guess this is what was meant when it was said that ‘motherhood is a blessing for a woman’ and I was lucky to have it. 

As the days passed and you started speaking, life suddenly had a new dictionary of baby language. The endless ‘Mama’ was just a common word in that dictionary! Milk became Mimi, Helicopter became Helicapit and so on and so forth. Though my first instinct was to correct you but then I had to let it go because the sheer joy these little mis-spelt words brought into my life were worth cherishing a lifetime. And then there were the endless flying kisses blown my way that took my breath away. Every day I watched you and thanked God for this priceless gift he had granted me. Though sometimes you were difficult and I lacked the patience which I regretted later, yet, I knew life wouldn’t have been more meaningfully augmenting without you in it. The playful and unending bath times, your fascination for mud and water growing overtime puts a smile on my face even today. And my little sweetheart turned two.

The deadly two’s as they say did not seem deadly at all. Though your tantrums increased but so did your endless smiles too. And then my little baby starts school on 3rd September 2012. Big day for my little girl. I was more scared than you were. Random thoughts about how will you stay without me for ‘THREE HOURS’ made me feel weak in the knees. I knew I had to do it. So I left you in the school with a high five without you realising that you were all alone without mama and papa by your side. I know I prepared you mentally before it started. Infact, more than you, I was preparing myself and my mind to be ready for it. And my brave little sweetheart made it through the test. And I can’t say how proud I was. You said bye to mama without a tear in your eyes. And then when you saw me after those THREE HOURS’ with tears in your eyes I knew both of us have passed the test; both of us had emerged as winners. Without words our souls could touch and say everything that words coudn't. Those happy tears in our eyes bear testimony to the neo natal bond that a mother shares with her child the moment she conceives. The look that goes beyond words. The feeling and emotion that is attached is a bond which stays till the end no matter what. My little baby is grown up now and she turns three.

School to home and home to school becomes a ritual now. Soon we return to India in July 2013 and my baby joins a new school. The anxiety, the fear of a new environment, new teacher, new place and new people seemed too much for the little soul to take in. First day in a new school proved a challenge for Saanvi. She held on to my hand like she always had and refused to let it go. I could feel her inability to acquaint herself to the changed environment but I knew she is a fast learner and an even faster adapter. And there she was free to go on her own on the third day. Confident and smart. She knew she is having a language issue because of her inability to converse in Oriya yet she took it as a challenge again and emerged victorious. She amazed me with her quick learning skills of a language she knew very little about. Though we used to speak in Oriya in the house, English was something she was well versed and well equipped with. Though the school in India was an English medium, seldom children speak a language they are not familiar with. Saanvi initially conversed in English but saw that she couldn’t make friends if she continued to converse in the language she is familiar with instead she had to converse in a language they were familiar with. She knew she had to transform and adapt herself with the language others were familiar with. And Voila!! One month and Saanvi was fluent in Oriya and she had made friends. She adapted to the changed environment and merged herself in and emerged as the winner. Though others couldn’t speak English so well, here she was who not only spoke fluent English but also fluent Oriya. Such is her adaptability and learning skills. I cannot say how proud I am of you my darling. I know no challenge is challenge enough to dampen you firefighting skills. Guess that comes from your dad!! With facing challenges and being a winner my brave, confident, happy baby turns four.

Another year, another round of challenges. Schooling in India comes to an end for the time being and we again move out of the country to another new country with another new language, Denmark. Another new environment, with another new set of friends, a different school this time and needless to say a different language, again. But I knew as always you will take the challenge head on and emerge as the winner. I know sometimes you have felt out of place when people around you speak a language you don’t understand yet I was always confident that you will make your place. And you have. You have inspired other kids to speak better English. A language which you have always been familiar with since you started understanding languages. And yet again you have surprised me with you command and fluency with which you have been conversing in school in English although you were forced to precinct the fluency in India. The mastery that you have achieved in adapting to the changing environment makes me feel so proud. I am the ‘Mommy’ of a smart, confident, go-getter who does not shy away from accepting challenges and test her limits just to unleash her potential to the fullest. And I am so proud of you my little five year old…

When I look back to see the last five years of my life I see only you…because it is only you that my life has been all about…The endless fears that I have each night when I go to bed thinking: Am I doing it right? Have I messed up? Am I being patient enough? There are endless questions that swish past as I pull you closer to me and put a hand on your little heart and hear you breathe. You won't remember the way my heart broke and grew a little bigger everytime I saw you pass through each milestone. It was as if I was watching the sand falling in an hourglass which gave me a feeling of content and joy because I could see you grow and expand. You won't remember the endless times I held your tiny feet in my hands and watched them grow little by little. You won't remember but I will...I will hold these memories tight and close to my heart for both of us....